Harry Potter the Condensed Musical
by Tree Climber
Summary: A musical parody of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. We actually performed this at our talent show.


_disclaimer: The characters in this musical belong to J.K Rowling, as does the plot. The song lyrics belong to Emily and Juliana mostly, the tunes to whoever did them first. To Silver Phoenix: Thank you for letting us use your Ain't No Dark Lord Strong Enough song, we did change some of the lyrics. This was written by Crystal Teardrop and Tree Climber.  _

Harry Potter the Condensed Musical

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

 By Emily and Juliana 

**Narrator: **

In fair Privet Drive where we lay our scene

Harry Potter has been seen.

He's supposed to be quiet

But a house elf has come for a visit.

**Harry**:

Why are you here and who are you?

**Dobby**: Come to warn Harry Potter, Dobby has. Awaiting great danger there is! Safe is not Hogwarts! Go back Harry Potter must not! But Dobby must not tell you more, because Dobby's master will not let him!

**Narrator**:Dobby got Harry in trouble, Ron came to save him, which got Ron in trouble, then they couldn't get onto Platform 9 3/4 , so Harry and Ron stole the Weasley's car and flew it to Hogwarts. What troublemakers!

(Harry and Ron enter)

 (Prof. McGonagall enters)

**McGonagall**: You two are in trouble! But since you're needed later in the story, I won't expel you. Go to your Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

**Harry** **and** **Ron**: Yes, Professor. 

**Random** **Person**: They are now at their classroom, because we do not have sets so you cannot see that the scene has changed.

(Lockhart enters)

**Lockhart**: I am your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Have you read my books?

**Hermione**: Of course I have! I love them, Professor Lockhart!

**Lockhart**: Doesn't everyone? (sings)

I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt   
So sexy it hurts

I'm a model, you know what I mean   
And I do my little turn on the catwalk   
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah   
I do my little turn on the catwalk 

**Harry**: The voice! I can hear the voice! It wants to kill!

**Hermione**: What voice? I don't hear a voice.

 (Random person slowly raises piece of cardboard with Enemies of the Heir, Beware! written on it and a stuffed cat hanging from it) (Harry, Ron, and Hermione turn, see it)

 ( Malfoy enters) 

**Malfoy: **Look! (points to Mrs. Norris) (Everyone enters, singing)

Ding Dong! The cat is dead. Which old cat? Filch's Cat!   
Ding Dong! The wicked cat is dead!

**Dumbledore**: Mrs. Norris is not dead. She is only Petrified. 

**Lockhart**: Really, really scared?

**McGonagall**: No! She can't move, can't talk, can't see, can't hear. It's like she's dead, but she's not!

**Everyone**: Huh?

**Dumbledore**: The important thing is that the cat is not dead. She can be cured. 

**McGonagall: ** I am sorry to say that the Chamber of Secrets has been opened again. It was opened once before, by the Heir of Slytherin who is the only person that can open the Chamber of Secrets. There must be a new Heir. There is said to be a horrible monster in the Chamber of Secrets. 

**Dumbledore: **Now, we should all go away so that Harry, Ron, and Hermione can come up with a plan to save us all from the creature in the Chamber of Secrets. (Everyone exits, except for Harry, Ron, and Hermione)

**Hermione**: I bet it was Malfoy! Did you see his face?

**Ron**: Yeah, it was all ugly and stupid, like it usually is.

**Hermione**: No, he was…smug.

**Harry**: Smug?! Anyway, how could we find out if Malfoy did scare Mrs. Norris?

**Hermione**: Mrs. Norris was Petrified, not scared! And we could use (dramatically) The Polyjuice Potion!

**Everyone**: The Polyjuice Potion?

**Hermione**: It'll make us look like Slytherins!

**Ron**: But where can we make a forbidden potion that could get us expelled if anyone knew we were making it?

**Hermione**: In Moaning Myrtle's bathroom! No one goes in there because that ghost, Myrtle's a whiny, bratty, little-

**Myrtle**: I heard that!

**Hermione**: I don't care. (Myrtle starts crying and leaves) Let's go!

**Narrator**: It has been a month since the last attack by Slytherin's heir. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are about to take the Polyjuice Potion.

**Harry**: (holding mug) This stuff stinks! Gross! I think we had better go into the bathroom stalls to drink this.

 (Ron and Hermione agree. They leave, there are odd noises coming from offstage. When they come back onstage, Hermione is not with them, and Harry has a sign saying: I'm with stupid, and Ron has a sign that says: I'm with Goyle) (Malfoy enters)

**Malfoy**: I've been looking for you! 

**Harry**: Did you open the Chamber of secrets?

**Malfoy**: I thought I told you I didn't do it! 

**Ron**: Oh, all right then. We should go.

**Malfoy**: Goodbye. (Everyone exits, Hermione and Moaning Myrtle enter, Hermione has a tail) 

**Moaning** **Myrtle**: Hermione has a tail! She put a cat hair in the potion! She wasn't supposed to! Hee hee!

**Hermione**: Leave me alone!! (she runs off, Myrtle chasing her)

**Narrator**: Harry found out that he could talk to snakes one day when he joined a dueling club led by Professor Lockhart. Hermione ended up being really scared-no, wait- Petrified just after figuring out what the creature in the Chamber of Secrets was. Dumbledore was sent away from Hogwarts. Harry and Ron went to see Hagrid, who was put in Azkaban because they thought Hagrid was the Heir of Slytherin because Hagrid had kept a monster in the castle. Harry, of course had already figured it out because of Tom Riddle's diary that told him.

(Harry and Ron enter)

**Harry**: I wish we knew more about the monster Hagrid unleashed.

**Hagrid**: It wasn't me! Oh, wait that's the wrong song. Well, if you really wanted to know summat, all ye'd have to do was:

Follow the Yellow Brick Road. Follow the Yellow Brick Road.   
Follow, follow, follow, follow,   
Follow the Yellow Brick Road.  
Follow the Yellow Brick, Follow the Yellow Brick,  
Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

**Random Person**: Don't you mean Follow the Spiders?

**Hagrid**: Er, yeah, that. Now, I'm supposed to be in Azkaban, so I had better leave.

**Ron and Harry**: (singing and doing that weird dance thing, exit)

We're off to see the spider, The large spider called Aragog.  
You'll find he is a spider of a spider! If ever a Spider there was.  
If ever oh ever a spider there was Aragog is one because,  
Because, because, because, because, because.  
Because of the nasty things he does.  
**Narrator**: Harry and Ron narrowly escaped being spider food. The creature that Hagrid kept was a giant spider. It was not the monster in the Chamber of Secrets. They never wanted to see a spider again, but they knew that Hagrid was not the Hair of Slytherin. However, they were not close to finding who really did it.

(Harry and Ron enter)

**Harry**: Look what Hermione was holding when she was Petrified! She must have found out what the monster was! It says pipes and the paper is about a basilisk. 

**Ron**: I don't know what she means! She was always so much smarter than me.

(Random Person holds up sign in background that says: Her Skeleton Will Lie in the Chamber Forever!) (Ron and Harry see it and scream. McGonagall, and Lockhart enter, Ron and Harry hide in a corner)

**McGonagall**: I can't believe it! A student has been taken. Unless we catch whoever it is that is doing this, we will have to close the school. Hey, weren't you just telling me that you could kill the monster and that you knew where the Chamber is? 

**Lockhart**: I…uh…yes, I suppose.

**McGonagall**; Good! Kill it tonight, and save Ginny Weasley. (McGonagall exits, Harry and Ron come out of hiding)

**Harry**: Where is the Chamber of Secrets?

**Lockhart**: I don't know.

**Ron**: What do you mean, you don't know? You have to save my sister!

**Random** **Person**: (to Harry) Have you ever thought that there was someone who died last time the Chamber was opened?

**Harry:** No. Was there?

**R.P:** Yep. And she died in the bathroom.

**Harry:** That's wonderful. How does that help me?

**R.P:** (sighs) Ever wonder how Moaning Myrtle died?

**Harry:** (loudly) I just had an idea! Moaning Myrtle could have been killed by this basilisk thing!!

**Ron:** All right, let's go then. (They exit) (Myrtle enters)

**Myrtle:** I feel so alone! I wish Harry were here. He was kind of cute. (Harry, Ron, and Lockhart enter)

**Harry:** Er, Myrtle. I was wondering how did you die?

**Myrtle:** Oh, I……. (sings)

I died  
So many years ago  
 that snake killed me

I wish it wasn't so   
And why it came to kill me here  
I think I finally know  
Mmmm…

It's lair.   
Is found within the sink  
And you can go down there because  
You can talk to snakes.

Let me mope in peace  
**Ron:** Okay…

**Lockhart:** I'd say you don't need me now, so I'll be leaving.

**Harry:** (Wand pointed @ Lockhart) No, you won't. You're staying here! Now, how do we get to the Chamber of Secrets?

**R.P.:** The sink, Harry, the sink!

**Harry:** Oh, all right then, on we go! (They exit)

(Harry enters first and looks around, Ron and Lockhart follow, Lockhart steals Ron's wand)

**Lockhart:** I have your wand! Now I will put a Memory Charm on you and make your story my story. That's what I did with all those other witches and wizards.

**Ron:** You mean you didn't do all those heroic things yourself? Why?

**Lockhart**: I'm so much better looking than those other wizards! The books wouldn't have sold half so well if they didn't have my face on them!_Obliviate!_ (Lockhart and Ron are thrown backwards and L knocked out,both Ron and Lockhart cannot be seen from the audience )

**Ron:** I didn't tell him that earlier in the story, my wand got broken! It backfired! Now he won't remember anything. But, the passage is blocked.

**Harry:** I will save your sister, don't worry. I'll be back soon! (Tom Riddle and Ginny Weasley enter. Ginny sits propped up against the wall, looking dead) Tom! You were the person in the diary! How did you get out?

**Tom:** (grins evilly) Ginny is giving me her life! I am Tom Riddle, also known as Lord Moldevort, the Heir of Slytherin! I mean, I am also k own as Lord Voldemort, the Heir of Slytherin!  
**Harry:** Oh no! What am I going to do? But why do you want to kill people?
    
    Tom: I'm gonna be a deadly king, so enemies beware!
    
    I'm gonna be the main event
    
    Like no king was before
    
    I'm brushing up on The Killing Curse
    
    I'm working on my Crucio
    
    Dumbledore:                Thus far a rather abominable thing
    
    Oh, I just can't wait to be king!
    
    No one saying do this                                Now when I said that--
    
    No one saying be there                                What I meant was--
    
    No one saying stop that                                What you don't realize--
    
    No one saying see here                                Now see here!
    
    Free to go around all day                                That's definitely out--
    
    Free to kill them all my way!
    
    I think it's time that you and I
    
    Arranged a wand-to-wand
    
    Kings don't need advice
    
    From headmasters for a start
    
    If this is where wizardry is headed
    
    Count me out
    
    Out of service, out of curse distance
    
    I wouldn't hang about
    
    This memory is getting wildly out of wing
    
    Oh, I just can't wait to be king!
    
    Everyone: Everybody look left
    
                                       Everybody look right
    
    Tom: Everywhere you look I'm--
    
    Standing by the dark mark.
    
    Everyone: Let every death eater go for broke and sing
    
    Let's hear it at the lunch and over tea
    
    It's gonna be Lord Voldie's finest fling!
    
    Tom: Oh, I just can't wait to be king!
    
    **Harry: **Riiiiight.
    
    **Tom: **Well, anyway, the reason you're down here is so that I can kill you. Now let me call my basilisk-
    
    **Harry: **So _that's _what Hermione meant! 
    
    **Tom: **hisssssssssssssssssssssssss
    
    **RP: **(enters w/ rubber snake) Here ya go! Want fries with that? (to audience) He's my most demanding customer. (exits)
    
    (Harry picks up hat and sword, throws hat away)
    
    **Harry: **I will kill the snake!
    
    **Ginny: **(stands up) Don't look in its eyes, Harry! 
    
    He's a cold-hearted snake
    
    Look into his eyes
    
    Uh-oh
    
    Baby, you just died.
    
    He's got venomous fangs.
    
    He don't play by rules.
    
    Uh-oh
    
    Boy, don't play the fool now.
    
    **Harry: **Ginny, I can handle this. I'm a grown-up. 
    
    **Ginny: **You're 12 years old! (Harry kills snake)
    
    **Harry: **Oh well, it's dead. (Ginny sits against wall) Bring out…Tom Riddle's diary!
    
    (RP brings out diary)
    
    **RP: **You want fries with that?
    
    **Harry: **No thanks. (RP exits) (Harry holds diary and sword up)
    
    **Narrator: **Due to the need to keep this skit G, we must cut out the scene where Harry Potter repeatedly stabs the diary. (all exit except Harry. Dobby backs onto the stage, as if backing away from Lucius Malfoy) 
    
    **Dobby:** No, Master Malfoy! Please, no! (Harry takes off his sock and throws it offstage. It is thrown back with an EEWW! Dobby catches it)
    
                                    Free at last! Free at last!
    
                Thank Harry Potter I'm free at last! 
    
    (Everyone except McGonagall and Dumbledore enter)
    
    **Everyone except M and D: **Free at last, Free at last!
    
    **Dobby: **Thank Harry Potter I'm free at last!
    
    **Ginny: **I think Harry Potter is wonderful!
    
    (McGonagall enters)
    
    **McGonagall: **Listen, baaaaby! Ain't no Dark Lord strong, ain't no Riddle wrong, ain't no serpent long enough, baby! (Dumbledore enters)
    
    **Dumbledore: **If you need him, call him. No matter where you are, he'll come flying in his car. 
    
    Don't worry, baby!
    
    Just call his name, He'll save you in a hurry
    
    You don't have to worry.
    
    Cause baby there
    
    Ain't no Dark Lord strong enough
    
    Ain't no Riddle wrong enough
    
    Ain't no serpent long enough
    
    to keep him from getting to you, babe!
    
    Remember that time
    
    with the Sorcerer's Rock?
    
    Harry kicked that turban guy's butt round the block!
    
    from that day on,
    
    he was known all around
    
    cause Harry's a hero pound for pound!
    
     Cause baby there
    
    Ain't no Dark Lord strong enough
    
    Ain't no Riddle wrong enough
    
    Ain't no serpent long enough
    
    to keep him from getting to you, babe!


End file.
